For about 5 minutes of goofy fun, directed squarely at the denizens chatrooms and their emoticons, check out the ROFL Copter. Thanks to the folks at Wordpress IRC for the hook-up.

As part of the ongoing Dark Horse celebration of Hellboy in 2004, Christopher Golden (author of the Hellboy novels The Lost Army and The Bones of Giants) has brought together a stellar array of talents to further the Hellboy canon. Included in this illustrious group are filmmakers Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, The Majestic), Mick Garris, Guillermo del Toro (Blade 2, The Devil’s Backbone, Hellboy), and novelists Charles de Lint, Graham Joyce, Kim Newman, and Sharyn McCrumb, as well as many others. Lavishly illustrated by creator Mike Mignola!

Hellboy: Odder Jobs

I am now reading this. It is brilliant. Funny how good characters and strong plots translate cleanly to all media.

I recently got the “Movie Pass” from Blockbuster. It has been great for watching movies that I would never rent otherwise. Today, I decided I would have a Chupacabra film-fest. Sadly, here are the results.

Bloodthirst:Legend of the Chupacabras

Wow. This movie blows. I mean, it really, really blows. This is the first movie on the “Movie Pass” that made me really want the last 85 minutes of my life back.

On an up note, if I ever needed proof that I can make a feature film this is it. Tripping on acid, with my fingers broken and a 10 inch spike driven through my temporal lobe; I could write, direct and star in a better film than this.

El Chupacabra

At least this one had reasonable production values for a low-budget film and an actual monster in a rubber suit. Still, it was pretty bad. The script was full of extremely bad cliche’s and the actors were mediocre at best. I guess the Chupacabra will have to wait to be a big film star!

So, I just woke up from a very, very strange dream. Well, on the surface it was strange. Given recent and impending events, it is not so strange .. really. I swear.

Like my fistfight with Buddy Epsen last year, I feel I should share this with the world, if only to spark a few guffaws. Curious yet? If so, here is the setup.

In my dream, I am dating Chelsea Clinton and it has gotten to the “meet the parents” stage. Of course, I must clear the Secret Service hurdle first. After a brief conversation reassuring Chelsea that everything will be alright, my Dad and I head off to a junkyard to find parts for ‘72 Olds Cutlass 442 I am restoring. Along the way, my cell phone rings. Picking up, the conversation goes like this.

Operator: Sir, please hold for President Clinton.

<beat>

BC: Hello, Doug. This is Bill Clinton.

ME: Hello, Mr. President.

BC: Please, call me Bill. Chelsea speaks very highly of you.

ME: Why thank you … uh … Bill. I think the world of her.

<call waiting beeps>

BC: Doug, I am afraid that is Mr. Sharon on the other line so I am going to give you to Hil.

HC: Hi Doug, Hillary Clinton.

ME: Good to speak with you Senator Clinton.

<Interestingly enough, she drops her public speaking voice and sounds like Annie Potts in “Designing Women”.>

HC: Please Doug, call me Hillary. Now about Secret Service clearance, Please don’t be overly concerned. It is pretty standard stuff.

ME: Well … Hillary … I’ll do whatever it takes to make everyone comfortable that I am not an axe murderer.

HC: <laughing> Oh, I am sure that is not the case. Our daughter tells us such wonderful things about you.

ME: Why thank you Hillary, I think the world of .. um .. uh ..

<At this point, I draw a complete blank on Chelsea’s name. I rack my brain, but cannot remember her name. Slightly panicking, I decide honesty is the best policy. >

ME: Hillary, I am deeply sorry. I must be terribly nervous, but I cannot, at this moment, remember your daughter’s first name. Please forgive me.

HC: <laughing again> Don’t worry about it. I am sure this whole situation seems a bit surreal to you.

ME: Indeed it does. Thanks for being so gracious.

< The conversation goes on with mundane details about obtaining a Secret Service clearance. Bad cells cause the call to be garbled and almost dropped several times. Hillary is a good sport about the whole thing. Finally we hang up just as I find a replacement for the tail-light, for which I’ve been looking months. Climbing over an old VW beetle to get to it, I trip and stain my new suit jacket.>

Epilogue: So, that is my conversation with President and Senator Clinton. Now, so CARNIVORE and the Secret Service do not come knocking …

1. I am NOT dating Chelsea Clinton (CC), nor am I particularly enamored of her. While she is bright and cute, she is both way too young for me and not at all my “type”.
2. I think my subconscious picked CC for two reasons … as I recall she has curly locks (like Kelly) and Secret Service (more in a sec).
3. A few days ago, Kel and I discussed the fact that her family and friends were concerned about her flying all this way … San Juan, PR to Las Vegas, NV … to meet me. Understandably, they are concerned for her safety and have enlisted a friend in Vegas to meet me and make sure I do not abduct her.

   While a small part of me is irritated that we won’t meet privately at first, most of me finds it very cute. Deep down, it just means a lot of people love Kelly and that is a very good sign. So, I am happy to do the “Secret Service” check.

4. As for going to the junkyard, I’ve had a hand in restoring several older cars in my youth. Those junkyard part-hunting trips are among my favorite memories. So, I think I am just tying past an present together in cool new way.
5. I have no idea why I am wearing a suit to a junkyard or what the stain on it means. But, don’t leap to make a Lewinsky connection you sick bastards!

So, there you have it, my conversation with the Clintons. I hope it makes you laugh as much as it did Kelly and I. I called her as soon as I woke up. We had a good chuckle and she made me promise to blog it. Yet another ‘True Story, Swear to God: Chances Are‘ tie-in.

Are you kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me?

A couple of teenage girls skip the school dance to bake cookie for strangers. The result, they lose a lawsuit for $900.

I get that people could be frightened by unsuspected visitors at night. So, politely ask that it not happen again. Or, if you must, scold them. But sue them? Give me a break.

When did unexpected kindness become a lawsuit worthy event?

Thanks to Pizza for the link.

Agggh.

Aside from needing to overhaul the look of this site and upgrade to Wordpress 1.5 (Strayhorn), I realized this morning that I had neglected to add some important folks to my blogroll. The folks in question are:

• Tom Beland, author/illustrator of “True Story: Swear To God”
• Todd Huish’s 6:06 Diaries
• “Flash” Jordan Robins
• Marty Vance aka “Dracos”

These oversights have been rectified. 1000 apologies to the offended. In addition, I’ve added a new “Worthy Causes”, links section. Initial links are:

• kristinlaurite.org
• missingkids.org
• Tsunami Relief

Take a moment to check these out.